it’s not so simple

It’s easy to be broken, but pretend things are okay.

It’s difficult to forgive. So difficult.

When we are finally able to forgive, it’s heart wrenching to discover that it still hurts.

Sometimes it hurts more than ever.

My heart grows heavy, my eyes teary.

Sometimes forgiveness hurts more than bitterness. Forgiveness is something I have to choose every day.

Forgiveness not for what they did, but for what they are doing.

Forgiveness for their empty words, apologies, and excuses.

Forgiveness for their false promises.

It hurts me so much to have to remove all expectations, to expect nothing.

Will they ever change?

Will they ever understand what they’ve done?

Oh my, I want them to understand, I want them to feel what they’ve done to me. I want them to know the anguish and sorrow, the tormented nights with tears and anger. I want them to know the confusion spiraling through my mind, I want them to feel the pain my heart has felt every time it’s been disappointed and violated. I want them to look through teary eyes as I am now.

I want to cut them out, never to look at them again.

But I can’t, though my heart aches, my soul is tormented by them.

But somehow it still yearns to love them.

I don’t want to live my life “just getting along.”

I want to be a part of their lives. I want to laugh together without the awkward silence. I want to know what’s on their hearts, know their biggest dreams and aspirations. I want to encourage them. I want to listen to them without assuming or accusing them of anything. I want to see through their eyes and into their pain.

I want to know them.

I can only hope, dream, and wait for this. Maybe someday.

In the meantime, my heart is heavy.


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